


Hold On

by bubblylix



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Depression, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, References to Depression, Suicide Attempt, What Was I Thinking?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-10-15 04:54:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17522333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubblylix/pseuds/bubblylix
Summary: Felix knew Chan was having a hard time but he never thought things would end like this.."Hold on I still want you,Come back I still need you"(Inspired by the song Hold On by Chord Overstreet)





	Hold On

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to Hold On by Chord Overstreet yesterday and I just had a flash about this so I wrote it during my philosophy exam since I finished early  
> I really recommend to listen to the song while reading  
> I don't know if it turned out great but I apologise for all the angst  
> I hope you will enjoy it c:  
> (This isn't beta'd so feel free to point out any mistake you see, English isn't my first language)

 

_Let me take your hand, I'll make it right_

_I swear to love you all my life_

 

    Felix knew Chan was having a hard time, usually when Chan’s depression was getting too overwhelming for the older they would spend the day in his dorm cuddling and watching dumb movies. Felix didn’t mind skipping classes, he prefered being there for his boyfriend and comfort him than spending three hours listening to the monotonous voice of his teachers. He also didn’t mind the silence that would generally wrap itself around the couple, it wasn’t awkward at all, just calm and peaceful. The two boys had known each other since elementary school, words weren’t needed at this point. But this time, nothing went like it should have.

 

    Felix should have started worrying when the blonde brushed him off when he brought up the fact that he didn’t look well, Chan never did this, he wasn’t one to share his feelings easily but he trusted the younger with all his soul and usually confessed when he was having a bad day. That nonchalance was the first warning.

 

    Chan got back to his dorm to rest right after lunch, he did nothing but pick at his food under the concerned look ofbhis boyfriend, so Felix decided to let him be, trusting the older to know what he needed right now. Once his dance class was over, the ginger decided to skip last period, he wanted to surprise Chan and hoped it would brighten his day even just a little bit. Felix went to buy hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows and made his way to his boyfriend’s dorm, a small smile on his face when he pictured the Australian’s kind and warm eyes that would lend on him as soon as he would pass through the door. But when he arrived and tried to knock, the door opened on its own. Felix frowned, why didn’t the blonde close it, and entered the small dorm. The open door was the second sign.

 

    The younger could see a faint light coming from the narrow hallway leading to the rooms, Chan’s and his roomates’, and the bathroom. The boy chose to turn to the kitchen counter first so that he could set the two steaming cups of hot chocolates on it when his eyes landed on a small folded piece of paper. An unsettling feeling made its way into the pit of his stomach as nervousness and fear washed over him and Felix reached for the paper with shaky hands.

 

“ _Hey little Sunflower, I’m really sorry for doing this, you know I hate seeing anything else than that beautiful and blinding smile on your pretty face, but I couldn’t take it anymore…_ ”

 

    The realisation was like a bucket of ice-cold water being dumped on him and a violent kick in the stomach at the same time, the ginger couldn’t even read the rest, the letter already on the floor along with his cup he was still holding thirty seconds before, hot brevage spilled on the tiles, burning his hands and his skin through his clothes but Felix didn’t care as he rushed in the hallway with only one thing in mind : **_Chan_**.

 

    His brain had just enough time to register that the light he’d seen a few minutes prior was coming from the bathroom and then he was pounding on the door, tears flowing down his cheeks and his vision blury.

 

“Chan ! Please open the door love, tell me that you’re okay ! I love you so much please don’t leave me I’m nothing without you.”

 

    The broken voice of the younger pierced through the thick silence of the dorm as his sobs echoed around him. It wasn’t a peaceful silence anymore, it was deafening and terrifying. Felix grew more and more desperate as his attempts to break down the door were unsuccessful. He threw himself one last time against it with all the strength and energy he could muster and it finally opened, revealing a pale and still Bang Chan, laying on the floor, eyes closed and pills of various colors scattered around him.

 

    Felix rushed to his side, falling next to him before hugging his boyfriend’s body tightly against his chest, small sobs escaping from his lips as he looked at the blonde’s face where his tears landed gently, rolling on Chan’s cheeks like it was his.

 

“I can’t feel your heartbeat love… Why can’t I feel your heartbeat ?!”

 

    Screams filled the room and Felix didn’t even realise it was his own voice, everything sounding foreign.

 

    Everything next was blurry in his mind, he vaguely recalled calling an ambulance and then Woojin. The boy was bursting throught the door frame minutes later and the sight in front of him broke his heart, his best friend’s head was resting on the younger’s laps, if he didn’t know better he could have swore the blonde was just sleeping, he looked calmer than he ever was. The ginger’s forehead was pressed against his, nose softly brushing against the other’s as Felix kept murmuring “Please hold on Channie, I still need you, don’t go…” like a mantra.

 

    Next thing the younger Australian knew, he was sitting on a plastic chair in the hospital hallway, empty eyes not leaving the white doors through which Chan had disappeared, laying on a stretcher, two hours ago, or was it three ? Felix didn’t know anymore and it wasn’t like he cared. Woojin was passing back and forth in front of him, biting his nails. It was like the world was going in slow motion for the ginger, his hand tightening its hold around the silver necklace resting against his skin.

 

    He didn’t know what he would do without Chan, without the sweet and cheerful smiles that made his heart do a backflip, without the warm hugs, the arms where he felt safer than anywhere in the universe, the soft voice that whispered kind and comforting words against his ear when stress was starting to make him feel like he was drowning, the tender kisses to wish him good morning or good night or just because Chan felt like it. He was so deeply in love with the boy that the mere thought of losing him was unbearable.

 

    Tears made their way once again on Felix’s cheeks even though he thought he couldn't cry anymore, the despair and anger had drained him of any ounce of energy he could still have in his body. Yes he was angry, angry at himself for not noticing Chan’s pain was  getting too much for him to handle, for letting him alone when he needed his boyfriend the most.

 

   No, he did notice, he knew something was wrong. But he did nothing and prefered ignoring the alarming signs. Felix abandoned the older to the hands of his demons and it was his fault if this was happening. He gripped his hair with his hands, trying to keep the sobs from escaping his mouth.

 

    The door finally opened and a doctor greeted them, he had an emotionless mask on his face so the younger wasn’t able to decipher if he was about to crush his hopes or allow him to finally breath again. Felix stood up way too quickly resulting in his vision going black for a few seconds and almost lose his balance, Woojin’s reassuring hand steadying him as the older wrapped an arm around his shoulders, gently pressing the boy against his side to be sure he knew he was here for him what ever happened next.

 

_I just wanna hear you_

_Saying baby, let's go home_

 

Please Channie…

 

Come back to me.

 

Don’t leave me.

 

   And then, the doctor’s mouth opened to let the words echoed around them.

 

_Hold on, I still want you_

_Come back, I still need you_

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to scream at me on Twitter (@bubblylix) and in the comments


End file.
